Today, I turned left on my way home. For some reason, I turned left and went to see a person with whom I had fallen out a while ago. It wasn’t to reconcile with them – it was a conversation that flowed whichever direction we wanted it to, niceties, polite, awkward…, and it ended in an apology from me.
Was the other person not wrong at the time? I think they were. Were they a good person after all? I don’t know enough about them to answer that. Was I wrong? I’m not sure either, but I have known since that night, whether or not how I decided to react was the right thing to do at the time, as an individual, I was disappointed in that decision.
What does that say about me? Who is it that I want to become now, that could possibly be let down by my actions at the time?
There were also moments today, during that conversation, where I wished for something more, but what was more? Did I want to be treated well? Did I want to be loved? Did I want to be recognised? Did I turn into this calm and collected persona so that I could be praised or admired? What was the point of that?
I don’t know the answers.
All I know is that, regardless of whether this person was a nice person, the truth is I don’t like who I turn into in their presence. My insecurities, my worries, my sadness, mixed with a sense of addiction and attraction. I don’t like who I am in that moment, a feeling similarly reflected months ago. It probably doesn’t tell me much about them, but it tells me a lot about myself.
What was I expecting when I turned left? What was I feeling when I was leaving? What were those feelings? Peace? Sadness? Jealousy? Calmness? Exhaustion?
And what is this melancholic feeling? Am I sad, or am I at peace?
Somehow, I don’t have any satisfactory answer.
the forgotten one 