How long does it take to grieve something important? How long does it take to get back enough courage to face myself again? It has been 2.5 years, more or less, and I have been able to do a lot of new things. I thought I was alright.
I wasn’t.
The truth is I need to grieve this naive dream of mine, something I’ve been holding onto for so long. There is no such thing for me, I am not made for this, and I need to be alright with that. I have been trying to tell myself the same thing over and over again, and yet nothing caught on.
What’s wrong with me?
I have been trying so much, I have not stopped trying since then, but I can’t seem to face this horrible feeling every time it’s this kind of relationship. I simply don’t have enough courage, I simply am not normal anymore, I simply don’t have what it takes. Yet, I kept dreaming, I kept believing, I kept thinking healing was going to happen, that one day I would feel better. What’s wrong with me?
I give up. I cannot hang on to these hopes anymore. It’s like I have become so vulnerable that something simple can scare me, that something normal can hurt me. This is not healthy, and I have to be the one making the decision to walk away from these things, to draw the line. I’m not made for these things. Stop dreaming.
It’s okay. When dreams die, you grieve them. You grieve them for as long as it takes. The pain is inevitable. Nobody truly understands how anybody feels, and that’s alright. That’s the way it is, and there’s nothing wrong with allowing your dreams to die. I have to walk away, I have to let go of things that are out of my reach. I can’t blame others for being who they are.
Enough dreaming. It’s alright to grieve something long gone.
the forgotten one 